Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
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If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
me at the job i begged god for
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”