Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens: