Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
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I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.