Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
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ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Cake!!
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
handsome & gretel
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.