Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
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I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.