Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!

Me: You ate all your chips.

3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.

Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?

Me: I’m an only child.

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two