Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
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A short story about romance.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
he chose this
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops