Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

I’m awake but I object,