Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
☺️
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.