Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
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Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.