Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
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Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
True statement👍😏😁
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )