Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
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Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!