Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
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*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Let’s Go
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.