Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
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Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.