Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

i smell a pulitzer

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

started wrapping my pills in cheese

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.