Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
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If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
I laughed at this way too hard.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Beauty and the Beast
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you