Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.