Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

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I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.


Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period


Dear kangaroos, whatโ€™s stopping you from looking like this?


Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?


I keep having to remind myself that an “oral history” is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.


Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No


That second sandwich was a mistake.

– me, making a third sandwich


*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.