Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
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Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”