Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
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gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My five year plan is a meteorite
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day