Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
White parent Vs Arab parents