Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.