@Reverend_Scott

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

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@coolauntV

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

@jerm1991

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

@TheZachCozad

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

@TheRolo

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

@MumInBits

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

@

a:2:{i:0;a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”jtrulez”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2982601413/d544e141d386084130a35c59ee2914e2_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”349262839447437312″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”388″;s:5:”tweet”;s:134:”*Knock knock*

Who’s there?

The police! You’re wanted for first degree murder!

The police you’re wanted for first degree murder who?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@mstluvstrinkets

I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, “my kids won’t be watching TV and they most certainly won’t be eating chicken nuggets!”

@Parkerlawyer

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

@davidmackau

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT