[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
The police! You’re wanted for first degree murder!
The police you’re wanted for first degree murder who?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
I remember, before kids, saying funny things like, “my kids won’t be watching TV and they most certainly won’t be eating chicken nuggets!”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT