Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
#math
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!