Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.

Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

new shirt idea

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT