imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up
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I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get