Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

Pikachu found the lost joint

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

I got bills

They’re multiplying

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

This headline is a thing of beauty