imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
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If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.