imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Aight bet
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.