imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
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If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
🙋♀️
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
going to bed
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.