Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
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Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium