Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
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if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Sing it!
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected