Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.![]()
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A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.