Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
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[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.