Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
You Might Also Like
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
May never get over this
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Breaking news:
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening