Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
A completely valid reaction tbh
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.