Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
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Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?