Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
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I have a place for everything. The floor.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
This is sending me to another galaxy
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda