imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
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My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator