imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
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Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
There is no “we” in pizza
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game