imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
You Might Also Like
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
I would move hell over six inches for you
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”