Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

“Why you watching this shit?”

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

I unironically love this joke.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

You’re never alone. Theres mold

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.