Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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E R: Y
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! ! ! !

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

Whisper out to librarians!

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.

Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

The mystery is not do spiders poop.

The mystery is where do spiders poop.

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.