Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
You Might Also Like
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
this is me
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up