Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
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[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
🐿️
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.