Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
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End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever