imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
You Might Also Like
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
lmao
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.