Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
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Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
making sure he doesnt get away
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.