Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you