imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
You Might Also Like
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Printer ink is expensive
