Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

Me: I’ll never be like my parents

Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

👽

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.