Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.

If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

*me flirting

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.