Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

*getting kidnapped

Me: Thank you.

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.