Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks