Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

❄️

I’m aging like a fine banana

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.