Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard