Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*