Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

me logging onto twitter

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems