Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cake!!

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

you’re not fooling anyone

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀