Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

The old gods are rising again.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.