Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
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A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Duck typos.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Me in tagged photos
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.