Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family

Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?