Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?

Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

I am religious. I religiously avoid church.

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.