imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
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[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
dogs can find happiness so easily
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her