imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
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“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place