imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
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First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Nice try, poison.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster