Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: let’s do the sexy time!

wife: did you get your chores done?

me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

😂😭

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.

Friend: That’s good to know.

Me: It’s actually much worse than that.

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”