imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
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If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
couldn’t resist
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.