imagine you’re sleeping and then some giant hands grab you and pick you up and raise you in front of thousands of people. Then they read out loud something they say you said but you didn’t and you can’t talk but now everyone’s pissed at you.
Happy groundhog day.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
