imagine you’re sleeping and then some giant hands grab you and pick you up and raise you in front of thousands of people. Then they read out loud something they say you said but you didn’t and you can’t talk but now everyone’s pissed at you.
Happy groundhog day.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
kevin is now a local weatherman
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
But I really needed water water water
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
