imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
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Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.